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All of these news items are satire, but obviously, with a kernel of truth touching on systemic issues with Philadelphia's broken political process and the way its affects our built environment and its residents.
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🛣️ NEW PLAN FOR WASHINGTON AVE
OTIS just announced a new 'final-final-final' plan for Washington Ave, pivoting to a thirty-four (34) lane layout.
"After subsequent engagement, we heard complaints of congestion and moved to a plan that puts cars first by demolishing every structure between Ellsworth and Carpenter Streets to build a modern roadway to ensure easy driving."
Revised Rendering for Washington Ave
The City also adds, "All other modes will be banned from the roadway in order to end pedestrian and cyclist deaths once and for all." The city will begin repaving promptly by summer 2122.
🚭 SEPTA UNVEILS NEW "NON-SMOKING CAR" ON THE EL
🍽️ VIBRANT STREETERY REPLACED WITH 1992 TOYOTA CAMRY
Due to the expiration of temporary outdoor dining allowances, once-vibrant streeteries across Philadelphia are being replaced by personal vehicles.
Neighbors are thrilled by this development, as local 1992 Toyota Camry owner Ralph Ball slides into the now open parking spot once occupied by dozens of restaurant patrons. "I'm so glad this city has its priorities right!" he adds.
Ralph's Toyota Camry
🏠 VISIONARY ZONING CHANGES
Local news covered City Council President Darrell Clarke remarkable downzoning of his entire district to one single-family home, one corner deli, and 1,000 parking spaces.
Residents hailed this visionary new initiative to uphold Philly's time-honored tradition of driving to the corner store.
🧹 STREET SWEEPING UPDATE
Frustrated residents breathed a collective sign of relief after the city announced its new plan pivoting to an all-Roomba method of street sweeping.
"We found a way to efficiently clean our streets without asking people to move their cars by deploying 50,000 of these autonomous robotic vacuum cleaners on our streets."
🧹 BROAD STREET RUN CHANGES
To balance the need of residents, the City announced on Wednesday that the Broad Street Run course will be open to vehicular traffic.
5th Square is Philadelphia's urbanist political action committee.
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