April Fools!

Weekly Newsletter, Issue 272½ // April 1, 2024

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All of these news items are satire, but obviously, with a kernel of truth touching on systemic issues with Philadelphia's broken political process and the way its affects our built environment and its residents.

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🛣️ I-95 Revamp to Include Additional Lanes for Median Parking

Overhead view of I-95 with cars parked on the median, just like Broad Street in South Philly

PennDOT, after a long listening session with local community orgs, announced today that the rebuilt stretch of I-95 through South Philly will feature new added lanes for median parking.

"Wow! Now I never have to worry about where to keep my third car!" says Pennsport resident Jon Bonneville.

🏟️ Comcast Ups the Ante with New "77Place" Proposal

Rendering of 76 Place, with \

Officials state, "This new plan in no way resembles or is inspired by any current proposals."

🦺 Construction of the Roosevelt Boulevard Subway to begin after Crowdfunding for Tunnel Boring Machine off Alibaba

Image of gigantic tunnel boring machine listing on Alibaba e-commerce site, list price $3,827,334 next to image of \

After selling over a million Build the Roosevelt Subway T-Shirts for 10 bucks each, we finally have enough to buy our own tunnel boring machine online from Alibaba.

The 2,000 metric ton machine came with free next-day shipping, we just hope nobody swipes it from our front stoop.

🛐 Philly Bike Action establishes New Religion to Circumvent City Policy on Bike Lane Parking

After battling with the city over their allowance for religious observers to park in the bike lanes on Spruce and Pine Streets -- the activist group, Philly Bike Action, found a loophole big enough to drive a cargo bike through.

Image of bike lane on 800 block of Pine street with cargo bike version of Popemobile in the bike lane

“Ya. I just texted God last week.“ states Caleb Holtmeyer, founder of the new sect, the First Church of the Holy Handlebars. “She lamented that loving thy neighbors wasn’t enough to keep people from parking in the bike lane. Her High Holiness decreed in an 11th Commandment: Though Shalt Not Park in the Bike Lane.”

Observance of this new religion necessitates the faithful to ride from the Delaware to the Schuylkill and back without leaving the bike lane. Caleb adds, “We received a permit from the Streets Department so we too can fulfill our religious obligations.”

🚘 Local Hero Prints Fake Vehicle Tag on Recycled Paper

image of paper license plate on the back of an Audi SUV, printed on brown recycled paper stockl

5th Square is Philadelphia's urbanist political action committee.

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